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There's really no way to reach me
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| Seriously!? |
[10 Aug 2009|11:43pm] |
I dunno if anyone else reads this and if you do....I'm sorry. This isn't really for anyone but me to attempt to get shit into my stupid ass skull.
So....I'm single. It kinda sucks, but at the same time I realize it NEEDED to be done....like 2 years ago. But I don't know why I'm so freakin upset about it. He told me tonight that he didn't have those kinds of feelings for me anymore. WHAT!?! So, why the hell did you waste my money for us to go on a fucking trip to vegas if you just wanted to break up when we got back?
Really???
Then, his car wasn't at his work when I went to talk to him. He doesn't let ANYONE drive his car....in the 2.5 years that we were together, I probably drove it 5 times and 4 of those times he was too trashed to drive. So, I'm sure it's some slut that he has hooked up with. I dunno. I'll never know the truth and I just need to get the hell over it and move the fuck on.
I know this.
So, why the hell can't my heart listen?
I wasn't happy. Our relationship was fucked from about 3 months into it. So.....WHY AM I SO UPSET!?!?!?! Argh. It's really annoying.
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| I'm gonna die |
[05 Jul 2008|11:19pm] |
Being sick this long really is lame as hell.
I had more I was going to write, but I'm just going to go put my ear drops in and go to bed.
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[26 Jun 2008|12:16am] |
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there is only so much that one can take before they break.
I'm starting to reach that point.
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| hmmm... |
[16 Jun 2008|05:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
So...it looks like I'm single at the moment. Seriously, a whole 10 days away from work and I spent most of it fighting. Things finally reached a boiling point between the two of us, I just don't really know what it is. Currently we are not speaking to each other and have no plans to do so until sometime next week when we go see Eddie Izzard, which we already had tickets for.
My head is seriously killing me. I am not really sure what to do. We are supposed to be taking this "silent time" to think about the relationship and how to make it better. I'm just not sure it can get better....maybe it's gone past being able to fix it.
I was recently told that I have PMDD...which really explains a lot. There is always the one week of the month that I'm a complete wreck...I'm angry, I yell, I cry, I freak out about stuff that doesn't matter. So, now that I know what is going on, I'm on meds to fix it...but that doesn't stop the fact that sometimes I just freak out. He isn't understanding about that.
Sometimes I wonder if I even like him. The fighting has just broken the relationship to the point that most of the time, I don't really want to be around him. But at the same time, I miss him when he is away. WTF??? Am I just insane. Oh wait...yeah. I am.
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| say what???? |
[15 Jun 2008|05:32pm] |
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mood |
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 shocked |
] |
I just found out that my 21 year old cousin...who is also a meth head and lives with a guy that it twice her age....is knocked up. And..she is going to keep it. Now, I'm not a huge advocate of abortion, but I feel that if the mother can't take care of the child, then seriously sometimes it's just the best option. Yes, I know some people will say give it up for adoption and whatnot, but seriously....chances are that kid would sit in the system until he/she is 18, when they will be kicked out into the world with no one. Plus the kid would be born into america, so there is no chance of Brad and Angie adoption the kid.
Plus, my cousin has done drugs since she was 15 ...she has probably done drugs while being pregnant, so that's totally awesome for the kid. I just can't freakin believe it.
I knew it was only a matter of time. But I was hoping it would never happen.
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| 1/4 life crisis |
[14 May 2008|01:49pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
I want to put my head in the oven....and I'm really not joking about this at all.
I'm on day 7 of work...thank god I have a day off tomorrow otherwise I would jump of an overpass.
In two weeks, I'll be 27. In two weeks, I'll be 27. Yes, I had to say it twice because really, it's not sinking in for me. 27!??? That's old. I'm old...how did I get old? Seriously, wasn't 19 like two days ago? When I didn't have to worry about the economy being shitty, or jobs, money, where my life was going to take me? OR in my case right now where it isn't going cause I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!
uggggghhh! I really feel like an insane woman right now. Like I have lost all reason. I broke down crying last night because I couldn't figure out paperwork and my new jumpdrive for work. REALLY?? I had to cry cause of that?
There are a million other things I could write about, but I have to go back to work. Stupid ass work....why couldn't I have been born with money? win the lottery? or have some old half dead geazzer fall in love with me? ahhh...but wait, we all know what happened to Anna Nicole. Nevermind....but I'll take the first two.
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| random stuff |
[09 May 2008|12:48am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
I no longer know how to do shit on LJ other than post and look at my friends page....I can't make an icon, I can't add friends and the idea of sitting there trying to figure it out makes me wanna stick my head in the oven. I guess that is what happens when I'm away for so freakin long.
I've listened to the bits of the new Madonna CD on itunes...and well....I'm not impressed. I was really excited about this and now I'm pretty bummed out.
When I type, I use my left hand more than my right...so my left hand will start to cramp if I use it too much. weird.
My fingers smell like bengay or however you spell it. I dunno why....I hate that stuff and I'm not sure what I've been around that could smell like that. ewwww.
I fucked up my foot again.....wahoooo. I ripped my fisherman plankton. I dunno what the real name of it is but that's what it sounded like. I was running after my dog because he got out of the house and somehow did it in the process of running down the street. stupid ass dog.
ok...sleep. bah.
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[23 Apr 2008|02:37am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
It's bad enough that on any given day I'm usually depressed.....but then once a month it seems like I have a festival of hellish depression. Why the fuck was I born a girl? seriously. I'd give anything for a penis and no emotions.
I just want to put my head in the oven. I want to blink and wake up in someone else's life that isn't so shitty. Do I just do this all to myself? Is my pain and heartache my own doing? I'm I just my worst enemy. I don't know. I guess sometimes I just want someone to come and rescue me, to fix all the broken parts...to understand it all and know the right things to say.
Yet I manage to find the people that say all the wrong things and just throw lighter fluid on the 3 alarm fire that is already going on inside me.
When do you just say fuck it? Say that you've tried everything you possibly could to hold everything together? How is it that I seem to be the most unloveable person ever? Why can't I find someone that completes me? That loves me in that intoxicating way that you only see in the movies?
Why is it that I'm so unhappy right now with the person I'm with, yet I can't bring myself to just walk away. If I was on the outside looking in I would tell this stupid girl to run like hell. Do I just hate myself so much that I want to punish myself? Do I think that at some point things will go back to the way they used to be??
Depression sucks.
really
really
really
sucks
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| Holy hell |
[20 Apr 2008|06:13am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
] |
Miriam's 60th birthday was tonight....errrr...last night. whatever. is it bad that someone twice my age seriously partied me under the table? I think so.
Word to the wise.....when an old man makes you a drink...don't take it!! The kickin chicken kicked my ass.
Dear god...I think I might die.
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| bah |
[04 Apr 2008|12:12am] |
when it rains....it pours.
and when the shit finally hits the fan, it gets flung EVERYWHERE.
I seriously need a vacation
and a bottle of rum.
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| favorite |
[28 Mar 2008|01:31am] |
My favorite shirt was ruined today. My grandmother washed it and bleached it. So, it is no longer the perfect baby blue but now tie-dyed. *sigh*
Why does it seem that lately everything of mine that is my favorite, is turning to shit?
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| argh |
[27 Mar 2008|12:57am] |
I'm going to put my head in the oven.
anyone want to join me?
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| life and such |
[15 Feb 2008|10:34pm] |
wow, it's been a minute, eh? things are so weird. I keep searching for happiness and just when I think I might be on to something, I realize it's not the case. Why am I so depressed? all the time, regardless of what I try to do to overcome it. It's like something eating at me.
Things with the boy have been rocky, to say the least. We fight, breakup, get back together the next day. Have a few good days and then its a cycle all over again. I really don't know if it's him or me. or hell, both. I don't trust him, hell, I really don't trust anyone. That's a problem right? Because I seriously believe the whole "the only person you can trust is yourself". But I don't even trust myself sometimes. ha. perfect.
I dunno why I writing this. Maybe because I need an outlet. I don't feel like myself anymore, if I even knew who that was to begin with. I'm not happy....not just with my relationship but with life in general. But I don't know what to do about it? I feel like a victim and I really hate that. I don't like people to feel sorry for me. I don't like feeling like I'm not in control of things, and right now I'm not in control of my emotions. it's up, it's down...it's up, it's way down. it's getting so old, I'm so sick of it.
Aside from a few members of my family, I feel like I have no one to depend on. I broke things off with my bestfriend cause it was proving to be a toxic relationship. my other friends are there, but no one that I can call at 2 am cause I'm freaking out over something. Honestly, I don't like many people to know how crazy I really am. But I think it's pretty easy to tell once you get to know me.
Bah. I'm tired of this.
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| wow |
[11 May 2007|03:37pm] |
I've never been in a fight before....like an actual, let's try and knock someone else out kind of fight. I just didn't hang around "those" kind of people when I was growing up. (most of the people I hung out with got high and was mellow....I've never seen a stoned person try and fight) So...this morning, I didn't wake up thinking...today is the day I'm going to get in my first fight.
But it was.
At 25 years old....WTF?
My crazy ass cousin tried to attack me....ok, lets try that again.....she DID attack me. I'm not sure who won...she packed most of her stuff and left....I'm left with a swollen face and a big slice down one of my arms. All in all nothing hurts too bad, other than my body hurts a little. It's really strange.
Everything in my life right now is really strange. I need to get out of here soon.
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| I'm back....if only for a moment |
[07 Mar 2007|12:52am] |
Life....what is it? what is it about? what does it mean? where does it lead? is it worth it?
These are the questions that have been swirling in my head for months now. Some might say I'm having a quarter life crisis. I would say they are probably correct.
I'm searching for something, something to make everything come together, where all the puzzle pieces fit. This task would be much easier if I knew in fact, what it was I'm looking for. I haven't the slightest clue. I'm lost. For the first time in my life I have no clue what is going on. I'm drifting. This isn't good for me. I need a goal, something that is attainable. Something to work towards. Drifting...makes me crazy. Crazy makes me want to blow my brains out....but I don't own a gun so I guess I'm safe on that one.
In the past six months, I have let go of the man that was everything to me, yet tore down my entire universe. I still long for him...I still can't let go....and I still want him.
Yes, I know I'm an idiot.
I have also let go of my bestfriend for the past 14 years. Yes, that's right...14 fucking years. Who knew you could even know someone that long aside from your family. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, I can't change people. I can't make them be what I want them to be. I also refuse to let people make me feel bad anymore. So....I had to let go.
Things would be easier if I could blame this crisis of mine on these events. But I think the ball started rolling on this long before....it just picked up some momentum.
I want to leave this town....if for nothing else other than to start over and leave behind all the memories of things that have fallen apart. But, they say you can't run from your problems...they just follow you. I don't know how true this is.
I'm doing everything possible to figure out my life. I'm depressed, I know this. I hardly go out anymore and despite having a online personal that generates many hits everyday....I hardly respond to any of them. Maybe I don't want someone to hold me to this place....I don't know. But I feel alone and confused and lost. I know if I start to cry that I will probably jump off a cliff...so I fight it all back, stuff it down and go on with my day. I know this can't be healthy.
I've started going to the gym again....it's the only release I have these days. I clearly need it because normal I would go to the gym a few days and then slack off....go back....repeat. I've been going almost everyday now, sometimes twice. If this depression is good for anything, perhaps it will cause me to become healthier.
*sigh*
this post is pointless. I just need to type out my feelings. Having no one that understands you.....sucks. Everything sucks right now...and the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that this will pass.
I hope it just hurries the fuck up.
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| I can't grow a new heart |
[01 Sep 2006|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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morose |
] |
This journal is now dead.
I'm done. Part of me died today. I feel like a part of me is missing.
This journal holds too many memories that I can no longer afford to think about. So, I am finished. It was good while it lasted. I won't delete it because it would just be crazy to do so. But I'm no longer writing in here.
I need to heal and I can't if I'm just dragged down by what has happened and what could have been and all that jumble of crap. I need to forget so that I can move on.
I'm taking a break from livejournal. I don't know when I will be back...or if I will.
If you want, you can find me on myspace. I don't really do anything with it other than message people, but whatever. You can also find my contact info in my bio if you wish.
I'm out guys. <3
So let it be written....so let it be done.
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[31 Aug 2006|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
The powers above hate me.
I just want to lay in bed with the covers over my head....why do I have to go to work?
Maybe I'll call in dead.
No sleep at all last night due to storm and nightmares. Bleh.
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[27 Aug 2006|01:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
] |
Ever have a feeling that something is just not right?
You can't put your finger on it...but you just know.
I know.
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[17 Aug 2006|09:58pm] |
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music |
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The Frey- How to save a life |
] |
Did they really have to have the track for the commercial promoting the season premier of gray's anatomy set to a "the frey" song?
they are really trying to break my heart.
( Read more... )
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[13 Aug 2006|02:14am] |
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music |
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Grey's Anatomy |
] |
We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
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